A few years ago, this was me. I went on so many dates in my late thirties, looking for a partner.
I know you are incredulous, and I agree the experts are missing the mark, but I can attest that it's terrible out there. I've read a thousand articles and lived it, and I still don't understand it. I did want to get married. I was neither better nor worse than many of my married peers. Two things stand out to me: 1) met a lot of men who could not commit to anything, including, like, lunch on a Thursday, and 2) I met a lot of men that were not, or would not, actively think about the future.
Once it's a market (the dating market) and a lifestyle option one wants to consume, the whole concept of finding a partner is unmoored from what has been human history forever until, say, 50 years ago. No wonder it becomes difficult. You know that "law" that when you rationally think of, out, and through a natural process that is automatic , such as walking, or blinking, you impair it? It feels the same regarding finding a partner as a project, as one of the objects in one's bucket list.
Two is such a big one, along with who you're attracted to which I personally think does have something to do with your psyche. It took ages to figure out that that was a massive problem for me. (Hopefully not TMI since this is your beat!)
As a man, I’ve always thought Groundhog Day (the film) encapsulates the challenge, and solution, for men perfectly: you can’t force her to like you. You have to be the right /shape/, as a person, for her to like you and more. And the thing of “she’s so beautiful, why isn’t she married?” is often to me its own explanation: what’s attractive is the person, not the face. Plus finding a mate isn’t a task; the person giving it 100 dates is treating this like an office task. You find them by doing whatever the things you like *doing* are. If that’s going out to restaurants, then OK, but it might be limiting. Your mate is doing the same things you like doing. You just need to notice each other.
I might amend number three to suggest that they do in fact want to get married (or remarried), but it has to be just right. If they were willing to compromise on a few crucial matters they could surely be wed by next summer or sooner. (As could be many single men such as moi.) But they are (I am) ever less in the mood to settle. Far better to keep swiping.
To be clear (and I should have spelled it out in the post), items 1 and 2 are extremely true of most coupled people as well. My thinking with item 1 wasn't at all that single people are less spectacularly good-looking than those with partners, but rather that the idea that it's a mystery why someone So Beautiful isn't married is a bit silly when most people, whatever their relationship status, are not that amazing-looking.
Totally fair, just a bit of a sore spot, although I'd never claim be particularly beautiful and/or successful. I do think the "online ageism" thing is rooted in something real, in that app age filters really do change the way things work (in fairness, men have the same complaints about women and height filters, although height is visible in the real world in a way that the difference between 32 and 29 isn't necessarily).
A few years ago, this was me. I went on so many dates in my late thirties, looking for a partner.
I know you are incredulous, and I agree the experts are missing the mark, but I can attest that it's terrible out there. I've read a thousand articles and lived it, and I still don't understand it. I did want to get married. I was neither better nor worse than many of my married peers. Two things stand out to me: 1) met a lot of men who could not commit to anything, including, like, lunch on a Thursday, and 2) I met a lot of men that were not, or would not, actively think about the future.
Once it's a market (the dating market) and a lifestyle option one wants to consume, the whole concept of finding a partner is unmoored from what has been human history forever until, say, 50 years ago. No wonder it becomes difficult. You know that "law" that when you rationally think of, out, and through a natural process that is automatic , such as walking, or blinking, you impair it? It feels the same regarding finding a partner as a project, as one of the objects in one's bucket list.
I was hoping you might take a bite on this op-Ed: a softball tossed nicely over your plate. And there it goes over the fence!..
On The Hour had a segment on Nebraska banning women:
https://youtu.be/0WGoX3oeXD0?si=OHAXDVOTId8Pe0b9
(13:30)
Two is such a big one, along with who you're attracted to which I personally think does have something to do with your psyche. It took ages to figure out that that was a massive problem for me. (Hopefully not TMI since this is your beat!)
As a man, I’ve always thought Groundhog Day (the film) encapsulates the challenge, and solution, for men perfectly: you can’t force her to like you. You have to be the right /shape/, as a person, for her to like you and more. And the thing of “she’s so beautiful, why isn’t she married?” is often to me its own explanation: what’s attractive is the person, not the face. Plus finding a mate isn’t a task; the person giving it 100 dates is treating this like an office task. You find them by doing whatever the things you like *doing* are. If that’s going out to restaurants, then OK, but it might be limiting. Your mate is doing the same things you like doing. You just need to notice each other.
I might amend number three to suggest that they do in fact want to get married (or remarried), but it has to be just right. If they were willing to compromise on a few crucial matters they could surely be wed by next summer or sooner. (As could be many single men such as moi.) But they are (I am) ever less in the mood to settle. Far better to keep swiping.
Ouch, that bullet list hurt a bit.
To be clear (and I should have spelled it out in the post), items 1 and 2 are extremely true of most coupled people as well. My thinking with item 1 wasn't at all that single people are less spectacularly good-looking than those with partners, but rather that the idea that it's a mystery why someone So Beautiful isn't married is a bit silly when most people, whatever their relationship status, are not that amazing-looking.
Totally fair, just a bit of a sore spot, although I'd never claim be particularly beautiful and/or successful. I do think the "online ageism" thing is rooted in something real, in that app age filters really do change the way things work (in fairness, men have the same complaints about women and height filters, although height is visible in the real world in a way that the difference between 32 and 29 isn't necessarily).