“Dire que j'ai gâché des années de ma vie, que j'ai voulu mourir, que j'ai eu mon plus grand amour, pour une femme qui ne me plaisait pas, qui n'était pas mon genre!” - Swann, Proust
“The heart wants what it wants.” - Woody Allen
I’ve never been super into celebrity crushes. I do not see what others apparently do in Ryan Gosling or George Clooney, or any number of other men who are at this very moment losing sleep over this. But there are some attractive male characters on Britbox Canada whom you might want to spend some time with. No, not the “dishy vicar” from “Keeping Up Appearances,” who I maintain is not that dishy. Consider this service journalism. Are you being served? Well you are now.
-Harvey Bains, on “Waiting For God,” is the worst. The show — Diana Trent its voice — finds him revolting. But Jane finds him beautiful, and I see where she’s coming from. He’s the worst: an 1980s throwback on a 1990s show, a Thatcher superfan who chases beauty queens and socialites, oh and a Norwegian aerobics instructor, dead set on profiteering from the retirement home he runs. Indeed the more one enumerates actual things he does on the show, the worse he seems. But maybe Jane’s swooning primes the not entirely un-Jane-like viewer to go hmm, or maybe the actor himself is just nice-looking, whatever Diana says. But I think it’s a kind of appealing awfulness.
Forgive the spoiler, but as unrealistic as it is that Jane and Harvey marry in the show’s finale, there’s a certain beauty to that outcome. Especially paired as it is with Tom and Diana staying together but not marrying, because Diana loves Tom but not the idea of marriage. The two strange, non-eye-candy women at the center of the show get exactly what they want.
-On “Benidorm,” you’re meant to find Spanish bartender Mateo hot. And objectively, sure: a chiselled torso, attention paid to hair, and the effect he has on basically every woman and some men who he makes eye contact with and speaks to in Spanish. But whatever re: Mateo: I prefer Mick. I didn’t realize this at first, but it crept up on me after a few seasons. There is something about him. A quality.
I’m not sure how to convey this to someone who has not watched “Benidorm” but Mick is not supposed to be appealing. He’s a little bit Onslow, a little bit Archie Bunker, a little bit George Costanza, none of whom are particularly my type. He wears a gold chain, which is doubtless of tremendous sociological significance in the British realm of clahss. (Is this “chav”?) Maybe they can do a “Thinking Allowed” explaining the sociology of Benidorm. Maybe they have and I missed it.
I tried to make sense of the appeal here and came up with three theories: First, familiarity: the actor who plays Mick has been on every show ever: “Happy Valley,” “Poirot,” “Midsomer Murders,” and basically anything you click on under “Comedy.” Next, Mick as Everyman: The character is sort of distilled masculinity, not put-on and macho, not protesting too much, just a complete guy, a husband, a father, a son-in-law. He likes beer, tall blondes (as with Harvey Bains, I wouldn’t have a shot), and for the women around him to stop gossiping and nagging so he can have a minute’s peace. I realize as I type this that I am not making him sound more appealing. Then there’s the one I don’t want to admit: Mick is hilarious. What if… and it truly pains me to suggest this, but what if a sense of humor is sexy? Am I that woman? This goes against my feminism, but here you are, reading a post by a woman who quotes Woody Allen in reference to herself. (Inspector Craddock is humorless.)
-Which brings us, finally, to Inspector Craddock on “Miss Marple,” played in the 1980s by John Castle, whose entire oeuvre you will now go google, esp the thing he’s in with a young Colin Firth. He is quite simply very handsome. The character isn’t particularly important or compelling, although the haircut is excellent. He isn’t cast as The Hot One at all, there’s no hint of a romantic plot involving him. He’s just the dumb detective Miss Marple outsmarts in one three-parter, then an additional ep a couple years later. Castle is also in a “Midsomer,” something to do with freemasons, and rest assured that at however old he is there, and he’s not young, he’s still got it.